Rules and Chaos
by Wolfgal63
Summary: Spock begins to write some rules to " ensure the safe and efficient operation of the Enterprise." All goes well until Jim Kirk and the rest of the Enterprise's command crew join in. Insanity and chaos ensue.


**A/N: There are some bad dry humor jokes, blunt sexual innuendos, cursing, intentional grammar mistakes for characterization, and outrageous characters exaggerations in a poor attempt at humor (probably borderline crack) so enjoy if you like that kind of stuff and if not then you have been warned. Also this did not have a beta reader so any mistakes (intentional or not) are my own.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Inspired by Saphura's Official List of Unofficial Rules and Mockingeagle's The Enterprise Rules. Both stories are funny and should be checked out if you love the idea of the Enterprise requiring special rules for its crew.**

_**Rules and Chaos**_

**S has logged on.**  
Forum Administrator: First Officer Lieutenant Commander Spock (S)  
Invitees: Captain James T. Kirk (JTK), Chief Medical Officer Dr. Leonard McCoy (LM), Chief Engineer Lieutenant Commander Montgomery Scott (MS), Communications Officer Lieutenant Nyota Uhura (NU), Helmsman Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu (HS), and Navigator Ensign Pavel Chekov (PC)

Subject: Rules  
As the U.S.S. Enterprise crew is comprised mostly of new recruits, I have received permission from the Captain to set up this forum in order to come up with rules to enforce the safety of the crew and secure an increased efficiency for the ship.

S: **Rule 1: The Prime Directive must be followed at all times.**

S: **Rule 2: The Captain and First Officer cannot be on an away mission at the same time.**

_JTK has logged on._

S: **Rule 3: Only people authorized by Starfleet Command are permitted access to the bridge.**

JTK: **Rule 4: rule one is optional for the Enterprise.**

JTK: so are rules 2 and 3

S: I do not believe that these rules were written with the intent of being "optional."

JTK: that was a joke

JTK: kind of

S: I do not find that humorous.

JTK: lighten up spock ;)

_NU has logged on._

S: As Vulcan anatomy is not designed to produce light for any practical purpose, it is not logical that I "lighten up."

JTK: omg Uhura help me out here

NU: It is an idiom that means that the person addressed needs to relax.

S: Indeed.

S: I do not believe that I am in an "unrelaxed" state.

JTK: *facepalm*

NU: What the Captain is attempting to say is that-

JTK: enough with the human Standard lesson already.

JTK: **Rule 5:** **All cross cultural lessons are to take place in the officer's own time.**

S: As the mission of this vessel is to establish new relationships with other species, part of our job description would be to have a comprehensive understanding of other cultures.

JTK: **Amendment to rule 5:** **All cross cultural lessons that are not related to the mission at hand in the ensign/officer's own time.**

JTK: better?

S: I do not believe that either incarnation of Rule 5 have sufficient logic behind them to be considered a practical rule.

_PC has logged on._

JTK: as the captain I believe that I have the fina-

PC: **Rule 6:** **There shall be no more ruffling of my hair. I swear if one more perso-**

JTK: **Rule 7:** **Subordinate officers will not interrupt their commanding officers.**

PC: Sorry sir but-

_HS has logged on._

HS: hey guys what is going on?

PC: nothing mu-

NU: Hello, Sulu. Glad you could join us.

JTK: :D Karla's a bitch

S: Are you referring to Ensign Davis? If so-

JTK: *karma

JTK: stupid autocorrect

S: Another idiom I presume.

PC: karma was invent-

HS: hey Uhura.

PC: -_-

JTK: ROFL

HS: What is this forum for anyway?

S: As stated at the beginning of the document, we were endeavoring to establish basic rules to enforce the safety of the crew and secure an increased efficiency for the ship when this chaos ensued.

HS: I have some rules that I would like to have enforced.

S: I believe your Earth phrase is "by all means."

HS: **Rule 8: Personnel under the age of eighteen are not allowed to fly the Enterprise.**

PC: Hey

HS: when you can drive a car you can drive a Starship

PC: I can drive a car

JTK: not legally. I second rule 8. Based on personal experience I can tell you that kids and driving don't mix well.

NU: what happened?

JTK: let's just say that a '65 Chevy Corvette convertible ended up at the bottom of a canyon

NU: Let me guess, you were driving.

JTK: No comment

PC: **Rule 9: there shall be no discrimination of a person based on age**

HS: it's not discrimination. More like self-preservation

JTK: nice one

HS: thank you sir

PC: This is obviously age discrimination. Uhura back me up on this

NU: **Rule 10: I will not be the tie breaker for personal conflicts.**

S: As the dispute was two to one, you would not be the "tie breaker" since there was no tie to break.

NU: Thank you for that clarification, Spock.

PC: you guys suck

JTK: only after a third date

NU: That is disgusting.

JTK: I meant on a lollipop

HS: sure you did

NU: **Rule 11: Low browed Iowan hicks are no longer allowed to make innuendos.**

JTK: hey I object to being called low browed. I happen to have a very nice brow

NU: *rolls eyes*

NU: **Rule 12:** **Keep all mirrors away from the captain as he will undeniably spend the rest of the day staring at himself instead of doing his job.**

JTK: what is this make fun of the captain day?

HS: It appears so

JTK: :P

S: If that is indeed the case, it would be my duty to point out that the only word that the captain consistently capitalizes is "I."

HS: you are right :D

NU: Why am I not surprised?

JTK: what is that supposed to mean?

NU: Nothing, Captain.

NU: **Rule 13:** **All officers should follow basic Standard grammar rules.**

JTK: **Rule 14:** **unless you are the captain**

NU: Why you insufferab-

JTK: ly gallant captain. I know

NU: That was not-

JTK: you do realize that you should not be flirting with me when your boyfriend is right there :P

S: Nyota? Is this true?

NU: NO. I was NOT flirting. It was the Captain's lame attempt at a joke.

JTK: I believe the lady doth protest too much

NU: Kirk, I swear that I am going to kill you.

JTK:** Rule 15: No death threats are to be issued to the Captain. Death threats to the First Officer are ok though.**

NU: **Rule 16: Death threats to the First Officer are not ok.**

JTK: I take it that you guys have not had your first fight then. you'll be sorry for rule 16

NU: Our personal lives are none of your business Captain

JTK: tell that to the betting pools

NU: what!?

JTK: nothing

NU: Kirk-

JTK: brb there is something I have to take care of. Something about a possible incident in engineering.

NU: There is going to be an incident in the Captain's quarters

JTK: Is that a promise

NU: I hate you so much

JTK: love you too Nyota

S: Captain, the accident in engineering…

JTK: right ttyl

_JTK is AFK._

S: Nyota, I fail to understand why you should regret Rule 16 when we get in a fight

NU: Don't worry about it.

_LM has logged on._

HS: I would worry about it

LM: **Rule 17: Neither the Starfleet officers or ensigns will spam the Chief Medical Officer with useless messages.**

S: According to Rule 13, the wording of Rule 15 will need to be adjusted. Since you began the rule with the word "neither," the word "or" needs to be replaced with a "nor."

LM: Dammit man. I am a doctor not a grammatician

NU: That is not a word.

LM: Case and point

PC: I'm back

S: I do not believe that anyone was aware that you were absent

PC: :(

NU: Regardless, you should know at least the basic grammar rules of your own language.

LM: I'll show you basics. The basics of how fast I can put your pointy eared boyfriend into Sic-

HS: **Rule 18: Any bickering shall not be allowed on the forum.**

LM: Shut up Sulu

NU: Keep out of this Hikaru

PC: **Rule 19: No ganging up on Sulu. Or Chekhov.**

HS: Thanks Pavel

LM: I don't have time for this nonsense

_LM is AFK._

PC: Us helmsmen need to stick together

HS: you still can't fly the Enterprise.

PC: Сын-

NU: Chekov!

PC: sorry Uhura.

NU: **Rule 20: No cursing. In any language.**

S: As "in any language" is a sentence fragment I would refer you to your own rule, Rule 13.

HS: Called out by the hubby

NU: 1) The sentence fragment was for emphasis. 2) He is not my "hubby"

HS: Uh huh

S: Nyota, what is a "hubby?"

NU: Don't worry about it.

S: That is the second time in two minutes that you have said that.

HS: Told you, you should be worried.

NU: Hikaru…

HS: I'm going to shut up now.

_JTK is back online._

JTK: I'm back. what did I miss?

PC: The Enterprise's very own Cold War over grammar.

JTK: ? Ok?

S: It's nothing you need concern yourself with, Captain.

NU: Nothing at all

JTK: … Anyways…where are we on the rules

PC: I believe that we are on rule 19.

S: Actually we are on Rule 21.

PC: :P

_LM is back online._

JTK: good I got a good one.

JTK:** Rule 21: Do not use the tubes in engineering as a jungle gym**

PC: what happened?

LM: The dumbasses were climbing on the tubes and nearly cracked their skulls open when they fell off

JTK: I take it that they showed up in med bay already

LM: Yeah. Since none of the idiots had a brain to concuss in the first place, I told Chapel to patch the damn fools up and send them back to engineering. Which reminds me…

LM: **Rule 22: Don't come crying to me after you break open your goddamn head open after performing some asinine stunt**

S: I believe that it is the responsibility of Sick Bay personnel to medically treat any being that sustains an injury aboard the Enterprise

LM: I know what my Goddamn job is you-

_MS has logged on._

JTK: Perfect timing, Scotty. Just what were those crewmen doing climbing on the equipment like that?

MS: They were and I quote "trying to imitate the Captain"

LM: Jim…

JTK: what? I wasn't climbing on the tubes…recently

MS: And what may I ask were you climbing on the tubes for?

JTK: Well…it all started with this petite little blond engineer saying that she admired the way that Keenser could maneuver around the engineering rooms... and the rest is history

HS: What happened with the blond?

JTK: let's just say that she got to see how limber I really am

PC: How?

JTK: *facepalm*

HS: Don't worry about it Pavel. I'll explain it to you later

NU: He's only seventeen. The captain's exploits are at least an NA-17 rating.

JTK: only on off nights

NU: See what I mean.

HS: Point taken.

PC: Rule 9

LM: Kid, trust me you really don't want to know.

MS: Getting back on topic, Captain with all due respect if I ever catch you crawling around the tubes again or sniffing around one of my engineers I swear that not even Dr. McCoy could put you back together

JTK: Hey Scotty. go read Rule 15

MS: That is not a threat; it is a promise.

JTK: …in that case…consider your "request" duly noted

MS: good. It was nice chatting with you all.

_MS has logged off._

JTK: Damn. I guess I have to call off my date for tonight. She was really hot too…Maybe if we-

LM: Don't expect me to patch you up if you insist on being a dumbass.

S: Dr. McCoy, as you were absent during the installment of this rule, please refer to Rule 20.

LM: I don't give a damn about your stupid rules

S: That is most illogical considering that you have already submitted several rules yourself

LM: You want rules here's one.

LM: **Rule 23: Green blooded hobgoblins can take their logic and shove it**

NU: McCoy!

LM: Damn hobgoblin doesn't feel anything anyway

S: That statement is inaccurate as hobgoblins do not exist.

LM: I was referring to you

S: I see

NU: Captain, I really must protest to this obvious xenophobia

JTK: Bones isn't xenophobic. He is anthropophagic.

LM: I DO NOT EAT PEOPLE

S: I believe the word you were meant to reference anthropophobia i.e. a fear of people

JTK: That too. But I stand by my first diagnosis still being accurate.

LM: Diagnosis my ass. A monkey would have a better chance at coming up with a diagnosis than you.

LM: **Rule 24: Only certified medical officers are allowed to make any diagnosis on people's health.**

JTK: yeah but a monkey would not be as nearly charming as your current captain

LM: Want to bet?

JTK: -_-

JTK: Bones you want to know something

LM: What's that?

JTK: You suck

LM: Nice come back.

HS: Hey, guys rule 18

JTK: You are right, Hikaru. We are mature adults and should act like such.

JTK:** Rule 25: Bones is not allowed to act like a child.**

LM: *rolls eyes* I've had enough of this.

_LM has logged off._

JTK: And the winner is…*drum roll*-

NU: Neither of you because you are an idiot and McCoy would get in an argument with his own reflection if he could

JTK: If you cut me do I not bleed

NU: *sigh* I think McCoy had the right idea

_NU has logged out._

S: I believe that I will also take this opportunity to depart.

JTK: What? why?

S: The conversation deteriorated into what one could call "meaningless drabbles" and no longer seems constructive in any fashion.

HS: I should go as well

JTK: Not you too

HS: Yeah I need to get a couple winks before my shift. I've been drifting in and out of sleep this whole time

JTK: Well I can't force you to stay-

_S has logged out._

_HS has logged out._

JTK: Damn. Well it looks like it is you and me, Pavel.

JTK: Pavel?

JTK: Well this sucks.

_JTK has logged off._

_Five minutes later._

PC: I'm back.

PC: Hello?

PC: Is anyone here?

PC: :,(

_PC has logged out._

Thanks for reading. If you want to see more, to offer any critique, or even recommend a rule please feel free to leave a review.


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